26 February 2010

Exercise Chronicles, Part II: "I am officially insane."

All of yesterday, I wore 2.5 pound weights around each of my ankles, and I'm doing the same thing today. You wouldn't think that small amount of weight would make a difference, but it does. It felt really funny trying to walk, let alone run. It was like trying to wade through thick sludge. Plus, everybody was looking at me strangely because of the weights peeking out from underneath my pant legs.

I can't really explain why I feel this is necessary. For the majority of my young adult life, I've had body issues. I've never been fat, I suppose, but I've always felt subpar. I would work out constantly and got too thin there for a while. While I knew that I didn't weigh enough, I felt good. I felt pretty and fit and I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted. Now I'm at the ultimate low place, at least for me. I have gained weight and I just feel blah.

I just wish I could get to a point where I was comfortable with myself. It's true when someone says that anorexia is an incurable disease; therapy would probably help me but a part of my brain just eeks out when you talk about going to see a therapist. Paying somebody to talk to? Um, I can just talk to my mom, right? She's free and has a ton of emotional support just waiting to be dispensed. Or my dad. He's a pillar. My sister could probably also be an ear. But I almost feel like it's trivial. There are people in Haiti that have lost everything; children are starving; the elderly are being forgotten. Sigh.

Sorry, I've just been going through a rough patch. So I'm going to think of the sunshine coming my way tomorrow. Maybe spring really is just around the corner.

1 comment:

  1. Well, cheer up. I know exactly, or I think I do, what you mean. My mom flipped me a life long challenge when I was in grade school by telling me I would be just like my Auntie Isabelle, who at the time was heavy. She's in her 80's now and as skinny as can be.

    Anyway, I was a chubby child , or so I was led to believe. She had me in "TOPS" of all things and exercising in front of the TV to Jack Lalaine.

    I wasn't chubby. I had baby fat issues, but the die was cast.

    When I was at my perfect weight, I didn't know it because I was always afraid I'd catch up to my Aunt. So now I am a bit overweight. I look back and wish I'd have enjoyed being fifteen pounds lighter instead of trying to lose the next five pounds. Now that I'm older, it's harder and I hate giving things up.